Fix This

I finally figured it out.
For a very long time, I have done everything in my power to fix things. Fix bad situations. Fix myself.
It just hit me today.
I can't do it. I can't fix it. I can't "fix myself."

This could have stemmed from the OCD I suffered from as a kid that trailed off into my older years.
It could be from the physical, mental, emotional abuse I experienced from a friend in junior high.
The desire to fix things could have come from a series of things.. but maybe I just won't know why yet. I don't even know if I want to know why. Maybe I'm suppose to focus on the present moment for awhile and soak in what is here. I keep saying that I need to do this but I never actually do it. I keep trying to fix things and make things work.
I'm going to take a break from this, but this won't be easy. It's going to take work for me to stop worrying.

I know this, that if I stay present in this moment and deal with things as they come, it will take a huge load off of my shoulders. No one is hard on me.. it's myself. I want to stop this. I want to be free. I am free.

At the beginning of my experience at Youth America College last year, I was assigned to the Edmond campus of Church of the Harvest. The stream I was in was the adult stream, so I spent my practicum time shadowing Pastor Chris and learning from him. One Sunday, he had me help with the baptisms. I was waiting in the offices during service with three people who were going to get baptized, a spunky woman named Ruth, another woman in her 30's, and a 17 year old named Nick. (I had heard Eric talk about Nick since he was in the youth stream and had the chance to connect with him.) Everyone else was talking except for Nick and I, so I asked him what his story was. A friendship developed from here.
About a week later, I was at the OKC campus in the lobby greeting people for night service when he came up to me. He said that Jesus told him to tell me something and that I needed to tell Eric. "You cannot keep trying to love yourself. The only way that you can love yourself is if you let Jesus love you. His love will shine out of you and you will see what is so great about you." I didn't know how, but what he said stuck with me.
A few weeks later, Eric and I were sitting in his car using the church's wifi to watch movies when Jerome came up to us panicked. "You guys! Did you hear?" "Hear what?" Eric asked. "Nick killed himself."
I did not handle this good at all. No one did. But the words he said to me echoed in my head and still do today. I'm not even sure how I remember it all, but I do.

The point of me telling you this story isn't to make you sad, but yet again the puzzle pieces from events in my life are coming together.

If I simply seek Jesus, I will be blessed. He absolutely does not expect me to fix anything. He is my source.

"[33] But seek first the kingdom of God, and His righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you. [34] Take therefore no thought for tomorrow: for tomorrow shall take thought for the things of itself. Sufficient to the day is the evil thereof." Matthew 6:33-34

song I'm listening to

Proud Insecurity

Jesus wants me here, now. 

This is the last stream I will be in before Youth America Camps start this year. I am in youth for OKC and I have to say, I didn't expect this much personal growth.

Youth at OKC has been said to be the hardest stream to go through in Youth America college, so I was a little intimidated at first thought. But during our first meeting, Pastor Matt said that he really felt like this rotation would have the most impact on us. How? He didn't say. Something in me knew he was right. 

Jesus has been teaching me, lately, how the insecurities I face are selfish. He showed me this in the most gentle way possible. He knows that my inner being cares for people a lot. When I approach people to introduce myself, I typically think wholeheartedly on what I look like, smell like, act like to them; completely disregarding the fact that this moment is important, and I need to give them my full attention. The insecurity I face steals my influence, if I let it. That can't happen. If someone shakes my head and tells me their name, I sure won't remember it if I'm too busy being insecure. It's self-centered on my part. I need to be centered into getting to know them right off the bat. 

Don't be selfish; don't try to impress others. Be humble, thinking of others as better than yourselves. 

Don't look out only for your own interests, but take an interest in others, too.

You must have the same attitude that Christ Jesus had. 

Philippians 2:3-5 nlt

There is no reason to be insecure, Kristin.

Don't you see all that Jesus uses you to do. Many are called and few are chosen. You know well that you are chosen for this. Jesus picks you up when you fall, but why do You so often refuse His hand. You are not a burden to Him. Reach out. He is right there. Remember that you are but a human in this world as well. You want to be a super hero so much that you forget the hero Himself. Let yourself breathe again. Maybe people won't listen to you, but at least you said what Jesus told you to say. They will one day know that Jesus gave them the chance to know the truth through you. You are more than a conqueror. Lift yourself up in the Holy Spirit of Jesus Christ. He is the only One who can lift your sorrows. Let Him know you more. Regardless of what anyone has ever said to you or will say, please remember that Jesus is God and there is none beside Him. (Isaiah 43:11) Jesus holds you and covers you with His wings. You are secure in Jesus alone. Let Him fill you up. You're fixed in Jesus. Let Him move you wherever you are called to be. 

Thank You Jesus for the ability to fly without physical wings. You've grown me into the woman I am not and there's only moving forward from here. You know me better than anyone else. I will spread Your truth. In Jesus name. AMEN.