Burn it all

When I was seven years old, I was fighting sleep when I noticed crackling noises and a yellow light outside my bedroom window.
I peaked through the blinds and saw that the abandoned house next door had caught fire and was completely immersed in flames. Fear struck through my entire body and I ran into the kitchen to tell my parents what I had just saw. They didn't believe me at first. I can imagine it was a shock to them, too.
After we called 911, we all stood outside watching the energy of the flames consume the old house. I remember wondering why no one lived in it to begin with, that maybe the last person who lived there wanted to leave behind the things that happened within those walls.
I could feel the heat so hot on my face even being a thousand feet away.

This memory reminds me of something that we should all know: the past is gone, but there are things that still consume us to this day. They wrap themselves around our minds and our bodies reminding us of our darkness, and the things that haunted us. How can we move on when the past feels more alive than our present? Is there a future for us? How can we move forward when these black vines have their grip on our ankles dragging us back?

I'm about to tell you something that will change you, if you believe.

Jesus is a fire.

He isn't a man that sways when He walks and speaks softer than your great grandmother. He is God and He is powerful, able to consume even the darkest parts of your past and present. There are things you have been saved from that you aren't even aware of. You're here, alive for a very specific reason. So don't let what happened THEN affect your NOW.

“Therefore, since we are receiving a kingdom which cannot be shaken, let us have grace, by which we may serve God acceptably with reverence and godly fear. For our God is a consuming fire.”
Hebrews 12:28-29 NKJV

I suppose humanity will always try to have a grip on us, but it will not win.

No matter the sin that entangles us, we have VICTORY in our God, JESUS CHRIST.

You are not disgusting.

You are clean.

The old is gone.

Our God consumed the darkness with His Love.

Forgive yourself and let Him burn it all.

Do not hate yourself for the things you have done. Do not try to outdo yourself to please God. He is already so proud of you. Just let Him in, let Him love you, and remember that you are worthy through Him alone. Let His forgiveness remind you that you cannot do this on your own. He loves you more than anything.


Jesus, thank you for not hiding yourself from us. Thank you for not casting a shadow on us to make us feel small, but to remind us that we are safe, that you do not judge us the way man does. You do not see us as less. You see us as more. Heal our broken hearts and clean our battle wounds. Take away our tattered pasts and burn it all. The good remains. In Jesus name, amen.

Your Emotions, Your Choice.

If you've been following this blog for awhile, you have seen some of the emotions and deep thoughts I have had throughout the past 7ish months. Sometimes, not always very positive... but still reaching for hope in times that I felt so desperately lost. Not lost as in I don't know who I am or what the meaning of life is, but lost as in I let my emotions blind me and lead me into the dark.
That is possible, you know.. to actually allow yourself to become spiritually and emotionally blind. Let's keep that from happening, okay?

We all have our thing. That thing that keeps us from moving forward at times. For me, it's totally taking a much-too-long look at the past, or even the future. It's so bad. I have actually spent most of my life either worrying over things that happened in the past, or fretting over things that are to come. If you have always understood the importance of the present moment and never really had a problem living in it, you are probably so much farther a long in that knowledge than I am. But to be honest, it's one of the biggest lessons of my life that I am continually learning. It's okay.. it is.. to be afraid sometimes. It happens. It's part of life. But there is no need to let it control you. You have control.

I feel like I'm always saying something about Oklahoma City and the time I spent there, but it truly was one of the biggest times of my life so far. All of the things I gained while living hours away from my family and learning more about myself, Jesus, and what it is that I am called to do... it overwhelms me in a good way when I think about it. There is absolutely no way that I would ever take any of it back. If I'm honest, though, literally none of it was easy. The best part about it was being able to see Eric everyday. The worst was the fact that over time I let my emotions control me. I didn't even realize this until Eric literally just said it, "Kristin, you have got to stop this. You let your emotions control you way too much." "No I don't!" Haha. I'm funny. I knew he was right, and since then, I have made steps to fix that.

It's not easy. 

It's not. It is so much easier to just let your thoughts go... but is it? NOPE. Because when you let your wild mustang of a mind go, it has a tendancy to wreck things up. (That being your mind, then your body, then your life and the people around you)

It's all in your head. You've just got to pick yourself up and keep going.

There is hope.

It doesn't matter how many doctors have diagnosed you, how many people have said it, or even how long you have been telling yourself the same story that you will never be good enough. You can change your mind. Remember. These are YOUR EMOTIONS. This means that it is YOUR CHOICE on how you feel. YOU ARE THE ONLY ONE WHO HAS CONTROL OF YOUR THOUGHTS. I REPEAT. YOU ARE THE ONLY ONE WHO HAS CONTROL OF YOUR THOUGHTS. So why not think about things that bring life? This doesn't mean ignoring bad situations. It means being real with yourself and everyone else but thinking in a postive, healthy way.

You have control. Life is not hopeless. You are not hopeless. There is more to life that waking up and going to sleep. You have an impact that this world needs to feel. You have meaning. Now, rise up.You can master the art of your thoughts. Be the master of your own mind.

Here is a video that I made talking more about this.

Thank you so much for taking the time to read this. I pray that you are blessed in Jesus name and experience more wonderful things than you ever thought you could.

"Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things. 

What you have learned and received and heard and seen in me---practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you." Philippians 3:19

Fix This

I finally figured it out.
For a very long time, I have done everything in my power to fix things. Fix bad situations. Fix myself.
It just hit me today.
I can't do it. I can't fix it. I can't "fix myself."

This could have stemmed from the OCD I suffered from as a kid that trailed off into my older years.
It could be from the physical, mental, emotional abuse I experienced from a friend in junior high.
The desire to fix things could have come from a series of things.. but maybe I just won't know why yet. I don't even know if I want to know why. Maybe I'm suppose to focus on the present moment for awhile and soak in what is here. I keep saying that I need to do this but I never actually do it. I keep trying to fix things and make things work.
I'm going to take a break from this, but this won't be easy. It's going to take work for me to stop worrying.

I know this, that if I stay present in this moment and deal with things as they come, it will take a huge load off of my shoulders. No one is hard on me.. it's myself. I want to stop this. I want to be free. I am free.

At the beginning of my experience at Youth America College last year, I was assigned to the Edmond campus of Church of the Harvest. The stream I was in was the adult stream, so I spent my practicum time shadowing Pastor Chris and learning from him. One Sunday, he had me help with the baptisms. I was waiting in the offices during service with three people who were going to get baptized, a spunky woman named Ruth, another woman in her 30's, and a 17 year old named Nick. (I had heard Eric talk about Nick since he was in the youth stream and had the chance to connect with him.) Everyone else was talking except for Nick and I, so I asked him what his story was. A friendship developed from here.
About a week later, I was at the OKC campus in the lobby greeting people for night service when he came up to me. He said that Jesus told him to tell me something and that I needed to tell Eric. "You cannot keep trying to love yourself. The only way that you can love yourself is if you let Jesus love you. His love will shine out of you and you will see what is so great about you." I didn't know how, but what he said stuck with me.
A few weeks later, Eric and I were sitting in his car using the church's wifi to watch movies when Jerome came up to us panicked. "You guys! Did you hear?" "Hear what?" Eric asked. "Nick killed himself."
I did not handle this good at all. No one did. But the words he said to me echoed in my head and still do today. I'm not even sure how I remember it all, but I do.

The point of me telling you this story isn't to make you sad, but yet again the puzzle pieces from events in my life are coming together.

If I simply seek Jesus, I will be blessed. He absolutely does not expect me to fix anything. He is my source.

"[33] But seek first the kingdom of God, and His righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you. [34] Take therefore no thought for tomorrow: for tomorrow shall take thought for the things of itself. Sufficient to the day is the evil thereof." Matthew 6:33-34

song I'm listening to