Proud Insecurity

Jesus wants me here, now. 

This is the last stream I will be in before Youth America Camps start this year. I am in youth for OKC and I have to say, I didn't expect this much personal growth.

Youth at OKC has been said to be the hardest stream to go through in Youth America college, so I was a little intimidated at first thought. But during our first meeting, Pastor Matt said that he really felt like this rotation would have the most impact on us. How? He didn't say. Something in me knew he was right. 

Jesus has been teaching me, lately, how the insecurities I face are selfish. He showed me this in the most gentle way possible. He knows that my inner being cares for people a lot. When I approach people to introduce myself, I typically think wholeheartedly on what I look like, smell like, act like to them; completely disregarding the fact that this moment is important, and I need to give them my full attention. The insecurity I face steals my influence, if I let it. That can't happen. If someone shakes my head and tells me their name, I sure won't remember it if I'm too busy being insecure. It's self-centered on my part. I need to be centered into getting to know them right off the bat. 

Don't be selfish; don't try to impress others. Be humble, thinking of others as better than yourselves. 

Don't look out only for your own interests, but take an interest in others, too.

You must have the same attitude that Christ Jesus had. 

Philippians 2:3-5 nlt

There is no reason to be insecure, Kristin.

Don't you see all that Jesus uses you to do. Many are called and few are chosen. You know well that you are chosen for this. Jesus picks you up when you fall, but why do You so often refuse His hand. You are not a burden to Him. Reach out. He is right there. Remember that you are but a human in this world as well. You want to be a super hero so much that you forget the hero Himself. Let yourself breathe again. Maybe people won't listen to you, but at least you said what Jesus told you to say. They will one day know that Jesus gave them the chance to know the truth through you. You are more than a conqueror. Lift yourself up in the Holy Spirit of Jesus Christ. He is the only One who can lift your sorrows. Let Him know you more. Regardless of what anyone has ever said to you or will say, please remember that Jesus is God and there is none beside Him. (Isaiah 43:11) Jesus holds you and covers you with His wings. You are secure in Jesus alone. Let Him fill you up. You're fixed in Jesus. Let Him move you wherever you are called to be. 

Thank You Jesus for the ability to fly without physical wings. You've grown me into the woman I am not and there's only moving forward from here. You know me better than anyone else. I will spread Your truth. In Jesus name. AMEN.

Thoughts

"The unfed mind devours itself." -Gore Vidal

As I walk through my day, many thoughts come and go. The ones that stay are my choice.

It's always been a struggle of mine controlling my emotions. 

I used to get homesick. The kind of homesick where you can't stay at someone's house longer than about five hours until you started freaking out. I couldn't help it. My mind would start to shift into a dark place as soon as the sun would set. My anxiety would hit its peak and it seemed that all I was was fear itself.

Jewell and I went to a friend's house to spend the night when I was 15 years old. That friend told us that she had struggled with depression and suicide and had planned many times to kill herself. Little did she know that I had struggled with the same thing. That night, I found myself awake while everyone was already asleep. My brain was taunting me with visuals of her hung in the corner of her room. It was dark in there, but it looked so real to me. I couldn't shake this feeling that felt like nothing and everything at the same times. Anxiety and fear was starting to overtake me. After several hours of self talk and the attempt of prayer, I texted my mom and told her I was afraid. She encouraged me and reminded me that there was nothing to fear, that I should read my Bible. The fear seemed too strong, though, and eventually my dad said he would come get me. By the time my dad was there, the sun was up and it was 7:00 am. The fear was gone and I was okay. 

My dad then spent an hour in our driveway telling me that I needed to control my thoughts, that they were the source to my emotions and fears. He reminded me that I could feed my mind with whatever I wanted and I could feel however I wanted. It stuck with me ever since.

I still struggle with my emotions and thoughts. It's been more difficult at this school that Jesus called me to be at, but I know He is with me and teaching me as I go. I will not give up. I am more than a conqueror.

So, I need to feed myself with good thoughts. Literally, I have to force-feed myself positive thoughts and vibes. Scripture reading, good music, laughing, and intimacy with Jesus are my medicine.

Thank You Jesus for the ability to influence my surroundings with what I hold within me. 

My goal is to let the light within me shine, because I know that when I finally let it shine again... it will change the world.

Isaiah 60:1-5 

Prayer for the Self Condemned

In my distress I called upon the Lord, and cried unto my God: He heard my voice out of His temple, and my cry came before Him, even into His ears. Psalm 18:6

He sent from above, He took me, He drew me out of many waters.
He delivered me from my strong enemy, and from them which hated me: for they were too strong for me.
They prevented me in the day of my calamity: but the Lord was my stay. 
He brought me forth also into a large place; He delivered me, because He delighted in me. 
Psalm 18:16-18

Since I was born, I have had an aching desire to do what is right. You have, too. Since we have it in our fleshly beings to do wrong at times, this can seem like a lie, but I promise you that in all of us... somewhere... there is a will to do good.
Something hard for me to remember at times is that I cannot always be good or expect myself to be perfect. Apostle Paul said Himself that there is not one good person that doesn't sin. The thing about sin is that it keeps us separated from the creator and Savior, Jesus. It keeps us away from Him because we let our hearts and minds pull at us to the point where condemnation seeps in. "You are not good enough and you never will be. You're a monster. You were never worth the fight, so you should just stop breathing." These thoughts have echoed in my head since day one. This is called condemnation.

Promise.
There is therefore now no condemnation to them that are in Christ Jesus, who don't walk after the flesh, but after the Spirit.
For the law of the Spirit of life in Christ Jesus has made me free from the law of sin and death. 
Romans 8:1-2

I know that if you've been raised in church, there's a good chance that you've heard this scripture, but don't let yourself become numb to it as I had. It's a legit promise that holds a fire. You are not condemned. You are not a monster. You are a light and royalty. Do not let anyone or anything steal your crown, your authority. 

Jesus, 
please take away all that is rotten in me. Use me as a vessel to free others from the spirit of condemnation in Jesus name. You died for our freedom, so I command every evil spirit set out against us in Jesus name to leave. Whoever is reading this will feel and know that You are with them and You love them. You have never left us hanging, so Jesus, please help us see this for ourselves. You are a good God, and You know us deeper than just our first names. 
I pray for freedom. Maybe we don't exactly know what we need freed from, but Jesus, free us. Take our shackles and our bounds. Make us free for Your Love. Thank You for never leaving us in the fire alone. You are here with us now. Thank You for loving me.
I plead the blood of JESUS over everyone who sees this. They will encounter You like never before in Jesus name. You call us by our name.
In Jesus name, AMEN.

Steps

Trust in Him at all times; you people, pour out your heart before him: God is a refuge for us. Selah. Psalm 62:8

Lately, I have been scared. I don't know which step to take next. It seems as if every time I try to make sense of things for the future, my brain jumbles up into a big ball of what the heck. 

This life seems confusing sometimes, but in the midst of the fog I still see Jesus.

Who knows where I will be in a year. 

Eric and I came to this college separately. We both felt Jesus tugging at our hearts to come to YAC before either of us knew the other was going. It was a confirmation, though, to hear that he was coming, too.

At this point, I know I have grown in ways I never knew I could. I'm sure I can't fully see how much I've been stretched, but I know that it was Jesus' will for me to come here.

Who knows what the next step is.

Jesus tells us to do things that don't always make sense logically. When He tells you to do it, listen. I promise you that if He tells you to do something, it is the best thing. He knows all the ins and outs. He knows our frame and knows where we belong.

You will be our guide to the end.

Jesus, thank You for bringing Eric and I together to this place. The circumstances may have been odd... and difficult for sure. I definitely haven't been perfect in my transition, but in this... I see You. I truly do. I'm not just saying that to keep positive. I see You in it all.

I love You Jesus. 

I pray that You would take Eric and I to where we belong. Keep us in the Light of Your truth. Help us to continually walk in the fullness of who You are. Help us to spread the full truth of who You are to the whole world.

Things will happen that this world has never seen before, but through us You will bring clarity. I feel that so deeply in Jesus name.

Thank You for all the people we have met along the way. Bless these people. Help them to encounter You more and more in Jesus name.

Purify our hearts, Jesus.

Make us whole.

I know You provide. We have nothing to fear.

I pray that whoever is reading this right now would feel Your presence overtake them in Jesus name. I rebuke the spirit of fear, depression, anxiety, and poverty in Jesus name. We are not orphans anymore. We belong to You. Show us again who we are in You. You make us who we are. Thank You for Your understanding, wisdom, grace, clarity, love, and peace. You are our everything. I love You Jesus. Take us. We give ourselves fully to You. You are our victory, our King.

In Jesus name, AMEN.

Be still and know that I Am God. I will be exalted among the nations. I will be exalted in the earth. 

The Lord of hosts is with us; the God of Jacob is our refuge. Selah. Psalm 46:10-11

Human

This is one of those days that is harder to be okay. 

Maybe it's alright to not be okay.

It seems like we are always just trying to be okay. Or maybe it's just me. 

I don't want to be fake. I'm not always happy. No one is always happy, and if you think you are... You're fooling yourself. 

Numbness. 

It happens to me for no reason. 

And there is something about this that takes you deeper than "I am not okay." 

There aren't really any words that I can form to explain to you what numbness is like to me. It's like all black. No color. No motion or movement. No sound. Nothing. It's empty and full at the same time. Everything's there but everything's not. It's everything and nothing. It's black. 

I promise you, this isn't the end. 

I'm a human and my brain gets all tied up. 

Did you hear me? I'm a human. 

Things are not perfect. People are not perfect.

In the middle of this broken mess, I have found my safe place. It's not a fake place. This place is real. His name is Jesus. I don't have to be fake to hear Him, see Him, feel Him, know Him. He is as raw as it gets. It's so easy to forget this and try to modify my behavior in order to "be the good kid." 

What a lot of people don't understand is that Jesus isn't so worried about our actions. He wants us to keep ourselves from getting entangled in sin because it hurts us and keeps us from knowing Him more, not because He wants us to be the perfect well-behaved child. 

We don't have to be perfect for Jesus to be proud of us. 

"Like as a father who pities his children, so the Lord pities them that fear Him.

For He knows our frame; He remembers that we are dust." Psalm 103:13-14

He knows that He formed us beautiful works of art from the dirt that we walk on. He does not expect perfection from us. He just wants our love. 

On that note, since we don't have to be perfect... Why should we have to be happy or act happy all the time? The truth is, we don't. Jesus, God in the flesh, came to earth and they call Him the man of many sorrows. He beheld every weight of every sin and curse and pain that He literally became it. That's sorrow if anyone has ever known it. He doesn't expect me to be okay all the time, He just wants me to let Him in. 

Going to this ministry school has been aggravating, I'm not gonna lie. I've caught myself many times trying to look and act good. That's not the point, though. We need to be raw with each other and raw with Jesus. We aren't always okay, and that is okay. 

The Lord is merciful and gracious, slow to anger, and plenteous in mercy. 

Psalm 103:8

God is in the midst of her; she shall not be moved: God shall help her, and that right early. Psalm 46:5

For the Lord takes pleasure in His people: He will beautify the meek with salvation. Psalm 149:4

For there is not a just man upon the earth, that does good, and doesn't sin. 

Ecclesiastes 7:20

The fact of it is, humans will dissapoint you. You're a human, so you will dissapoint yourself. But please know this, Jesus is never disappointed in you. 

Thank You Jesus for Your unfailing love. 

Let no one think anyone to be perfect. Let them know that You are the only perfect One and that You remember we are made of dust. One day we will be perfect when we see Your face. We will be like You. But until then, let us not think anyone to be sinless besides You. 

I love you. 

Jeremiah 1:5

Lamentations 3:17-26

Open Windows

There's something unexplanably wonderful about an open window on a breezy spring day. 

We don't have windows in the dorms, but I remember cool days in the house I grew up in. 

The house wasn't perfect. It was old and messy, but it was home. When the weather was nice outside, we would open the windows and sometimes the front door, letting nature breathe into our place. Even the thought of this memory brings me peace.

I thought about this. 

If we are in our house for many days and never step outside, the least we can do is open a window to remember what it feels like. If we don't step outside, or open the windows, we only notice what's inside the house we are in. 

I do this a lot, I've noticed; only focused on myself. The focus isn't good, though. 

You see, my focus is on how I look to other people, what I sound like, smell like, act like, feel like. It's all geared in towards myself. 

But today I did something. I focused on a brighter thing: Jesus. 

I remembered, today, to open the windows to my soul and let the light in. He breathed into me. 

As I sat in my bed with pen in hand and my journal and Bible in front of me, I heard Jesus say, "Lay back and listen to Me."

I layed down and found myself fidgety. I kept thinking of what I could be doing. He said, "Stop. Let Me in." 

I opened the window and rested. 

Thank You Jesus. 

Thank You for rest.

Thank You for breathing into me. 

I'm a vessel for your Love.

Remind me to always let you in; to open the window and be filled with Your peace. 

I let You in. 

Isaiah 43:1

Isaiah 42:6-7

Perception Shift

"It is both a blessing and a curse to feel everything so deeply."

I'm tired of the perception I have of myself. I didn't realize how bad it was until I came to YAC to a home away from home. It was when I began to do things on my own that I was forced to look within myself and see who I really am.

 

To be honest..

I'm constantly down on myself as I try to lift up others, but I can't do this any longer. It's began to catch up with me and I'm finally worn. 

But "Come to Me," He says, "all who are weary and heavy laden and I will give you rest. For My yoke is easy and my burden is light."

Seeing who I am has been hard for me. I always thought of myself this certain way, but I was molding myself to be something that wasn't me this whole time. Now, I'm learning to accept me for who I am. 

Lately, my brain is a jumbled mess regarding the thoughts I think towards myself; a roller coaster of feelings and words. 

I want to know who I really am, and I want to be happy about what I see in myself. 

The next 30 days I will be challenging myself on this blog publicly. I will not accept this faulted negative mindset of my reflection, both inner and outer. 

Thank You Jesus for Your constant love.

Thank You Jesus for my eyes, which see things most people do not see.

Thank You Jesus for this loving heart of mine, which was modeled after yours. 

Thank You for Your waterfall of Love.

“For I will satisfy the weary soul, and every languishing soul I will replenish.””

Jeremiah 31:25 ESV

“Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.””

Matthew 11:28-30 ESV

“There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.”

Romans 8:1 ESV

“For by grace you have been saved through faith, and that not of yourselves; it is the gift of God, not of works, lest anyone should boast. For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand that we should walk in them.”

Ephesians 2:8-10

Thank You Jesus for making me who I am.