Perception of Self

What if I told you that you can decide how you see yourself? What if I told you that you could finally see all that is wonderful and beautiful about you?

We all have something to bring to this world. We all have words that need heard and stories that need to be shared.
It can be hard to include ourselves in the word "we" at times considering the way we see ourselves, but let me assure you, you are included. YOU. Yes, you.

It all begins with your thoughts. Begin to think positive things about yourself, even if they seem like complete lies.

In school, there was someone in my life that constantly put me down and made me feel like a lesser person and not the most attractive human. This caused me to see myself as the ugliest person on this planet. When I looked in the mirror, I literally saw an "ugly monster." Quite negative, I know, but I'm just being honest. I had a very poor self image.

Now, I'm not saying that I have a perfect self image now... because I don't by any means! But, throughout the years, I have grown and I am finally starting to see the wonderful things about myself. Things that were once non-existent to me are now glowing before my eyes. It's funny, really, because people in my life are starting to acknowledge these traits about me as well.

It begins with a step.

Take a step and go face yourself in a mirror. Look directly in your eyes and tell yourself all the good things you don't believe about yourself yet. For me that's, "I am worth it. I'm confident. I'm wonderful. I am not average. I am beautiful. I have so much to bring to this world."
The first time I said "I am beautiful" looking in the mirror, I literally felt like I was going to get sick. It felt like the biggest lie I could have ever told, but something shifted in me after that, and since then I began to change.

You are more than what you think.

You are going to start believing this.

Fix This

I finally figured it out.
For a very long time, I have done everything in my power to fix things. Fix bad situations. Fix myself.
It just hit me today.
I can't do it. I can't fix it. I can't "fix myself."

This could have stemmed from the OCD I suffered from as a kid that trailed off into my older years.
It could be from the physical, mental, emotional abuse I experienced from a friend in junior high.
The desire to fix things could have come from a series of things.. but maybe I just won't know why yet. I don't even know if I want to know why. Maybe I'm suppose to focus on the present moment for awhile and soak in what is here. I keep saying that I need to do this but I never actually do it. I keep trying to fix things and make things work.
I'm going to take a break from this, but this won't be easy. It's going to take work for me to stop worrying.

I know this, that if I stay present in this moment and deal with things as they come, it will take a huge load off of my shoulders. No one is hard on me.. it's myself. I want to stop this. I want to be free. I am free.

At the beginning of my experience at Youth America College last year, I was assigned to the Edmond campus of Church of the Harvest. The stream I was in was the adult stream, so I spent my practicum time shadowing Pastor Chris and learning from him. One Sunday, he had me help with the baptisms. I was waiting in the offices during service with three people who were going to get baptized, a spunky woman named Ruth, another woman in her 30's, and a 17 year old named Nick. (I had heard Eric talk about Nick since he was in the youth stream and had the chance to connect with him.) Everyone else was talking except for Nick and I, so I asked him what his story was. A friendship developed from here.
About a week later, I was at the OKC campus in the lobby greeting people for night service when he came up to me. He said that Jesus told him to tell me something and that I needed to tell Eric. "You cannot keep trying to love yourself. The only way that you can love yourself is if you let Jesus love you. His love will shine out of you and you will see what is so great about you." I didn't know how, but what he said stuck with me.
A few weeks later, Eric and I were sitting in his car using the church's wifi to watch movies when Jerome came up to us panicked. "You guys! Did you hear?" "Hear what?" Eric asked. "Nick killed himself."
I did not handle this good at all. No one did. But the words he said to me echoed in my head and still do today. I'm not even sure how I remember it all, but I do.

The point of me telling you this story isn't to make you sad, but yet again the puzzle pieces from events in my life are coming together.

If I simply seek Jesus, I will be blessed. He absolutely does not expect me to fix anything. He is my source.

"[33] But seek first the kingdom of God, and His righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you. [34] Take therefore no thought for tomorrow: for tomorrow shall take thought for the things of itself. Sufficient to the day is the evil thereof." Matthew 6:33-34

song I'm listening to

YAC // The Experience

August brought a new adventure for me.

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After getting filled with the fullness of God at a church camp in 2011, I found myself jokingly praying to live there. I wanted to be surrounded by Love and by people on the same mission as me, because that's what it is right? Church Camp.

Two years later I had a new camp experience at Youth America in OKC. On the last night of camp I found out they had this internship for kids who have graduated high school to help deepen their relationship with Jesus and give them the experience they need to build the kingdom. Something in me craved that.

Another two years and I found myself spending two extra weeks as a summer intern, working behind the scenes at Youth America Camp. In these two weeks I experienced tons of spiritual growth and an ambition to run despite all earthly limits. Nothing was going to stop me. At the end of my summer intern experience, I took the step of telling my parents that I felt like Jesus was telling me to spend my first college year at what had transformed from Next Generation Internship to Youth America College.

Everything was laid out for me. After everything that tried to get in the way, I was with my amazing family on our way to Oklahoma City. Eric was on his way as well and we both were making a life-changing transition that would soon bring us much closer. My family was torn between helping me do what Jesus was calling me to do, and wanting me to stay home. They did everything they knew how to support me and show me that they loved me deeply.

The first few months of YAC were battles upon battles. Fights I had with my parents and self doubt arose as I was pursuing the mission I was on to run this marathon. I had one constant best friend who became my boyfriend. Eric. We spent our free time talking and lifting each other up. Even in the numbness and depression that tried to rise up against me, he was there. He had his insecurities, and I had mine. But nothing was about to stop us from what we have been called to do.

The next few months I began to feel at home in OKC. The drivers suck but that dusty place grew on me. There were many things that I started to notice I loved about the college, and many things I hated. Gossip was a big issue, and it began to take a toll on me. I walked in on one of my friends talking about how I wasn't the type of girlfriend Eric needed. There was one person who seemed to get on my nerves by saying I wasn't a leader. He said this often. I kept being reminded of something, though: we are all human. It's a struggle, but I can't hold it against them.

We all live in faulted flesh. We all have our battles and insecurities. 

We all feel worn and unappreciated sometimes.

On Tuesday of last week, I felt like it was time for me to come home. Finding out that all of the credits don't transfer to every college like they advertised sucks, but that isn't why I left. Jesus was pulling my heart back to Missouri. Things just started lining up for the past few months after praying for certainty to know what to do. Although I won't be staying to help with camp, I leave knowing I left a mark.

We are all human. We all need love.

Here is a video of me talking about the experience I had at Youth America College. Check it out.

Now I plan to go to college. I will carry the Love with me. Eric is going to be attending another college as well. 

Just because you can't see what's next, doesn't mean that your future is not there. Do not be afraid of uncertainty. 

For who is God save the Lord? or who is a rock save our God?

It is God that girds me with strength, and makes my way perfect.

He makes my feet like hinds' feet, and sets me upon my high places.

Psalm 18:31-33

Dreamer

You're a hopeful soul.

Yeah, that's right. Despite what anyone has told you, or even what you've told yourself, you need to know that you are a hopeful soul.

You have a dream in your heart that's been there awhile. Don't check out. You know I'm right.
What do you want more than anything?
Why do you want it?

Think back to the earliest memory you've had. What did you want more than anything then? I'm willing to bet that what you want now isn't too far from what you wanted then.

When I was 3 years old, I lived in Tennessee.
People say that memory develops after 4 years old, but my memory seems to have exceeded that limit. 
I remember being with my mom, dad, and little Jewell in the church in Bradford. We always stayed late after service. I was as close to the stage as I could get, staring at the microphone. One of the ladies who sang for worship came and asked me if I wanted to sing in it. For some reason I got scared and ran. I always remembered that and tried to figure out why I was so scared. I know I was little, but that fear traveled into my teenage years.
When I was 14, I fell in love with someOne. He showed me that desire again, and that I was to speak for Him. This time, fear wont take my voice away.

What's your dream? Who are you? What do you want more than anything?

Take hold of the dream inside you. Stir up your hope. You're meant for more than you know.

Don't lose your hope.

Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a dream fulfilled is a tree of life. Proverbs 13:12 

You have so much to add to the world. You are no waste of space.

Keep dreaming.

Say the Word 

How It All Plays Out

Dang, I love Jesus.
I'm serious. He leaves me speechless.
I'm so grateful for a God who isn't far away. The lie that many people think is truth is that God is far away.
The truth is Jesus is God. God manifested Himself into the body of a man so that He could walk with us and know what we go through, first hand. He was a God that seemed so distant, but He came to us in the most intimate way. 
Now that He lived His life, died, and resurrected... even still... He is even closer than before.

When I was 14 years old, I was hungry for more than just a belief. I wanted something that I had always been so afraid of before: intimacy with the One who created me.
I had been in a rebellious phase of drinking, hating, hurting, and addiction. No one seemed to know I was hurting, so I continued to hurt myself and people.
A young girl so frustrated with everything that she wanted everyone around her to be frustrated too.
I just didn't want to be alone.

When I walked into the sanctuary of that camp, I knew something would change. I wasn't sure how, but I knew what I needed. Weeks before, I asked Jesus to fill me with His Spirit. I tried to get it. Nothing happened. But that Monday night of Crash camp on June 27, 2011, I spoke with tongues and was baptized in Love. (Acts 2:4) It changed my life. Of course, my first battle was trying to figure out if it actually happened or not. But, two days later I experienced it again. It was so intense this time. I couldn't deny how real it was.

After this, I felt a tug on me that I couldn't ignore. I knew with everything within me that I was suppose to lead people to His love. When I got home, I told my mom that I felt called to ministry. She told me that when I was born, she knew I would be. This is not something I ever thought I would do. I didn't know how it would happen, but as time went on, Jesus began to show me pieces of my future. Little by little, the hope of my calling was before my eyes. (Ephesians 1:18)

Eric was someone that always stayed in the back of my mind. Every time I saw him, I got butterflies. I didn't understand, though, because I had only talked to him a number of times. On June 27, 2012, we realized we both liked each other at Forward Conference 2012. This was the beginning of a journey that seemed to take forever, but eventually, we ended up together.

Looking at everything that has happened in the past 5 years, I see myself where I am now and all that has happened. It blows me away to see me doing ministry in Oklahoma City with the man of my dreams. I did not think it would happen this way. And if I stay, what an adventure that is ahead. If we don't stay, what an adventure still.

If you're still reading this,

I have no idea what will happen within the next three months, but I am very excited. This is a point within our journey where we don't see the way ahead. It seems as if all I can see is where my feet are now. But there's a step that must be taken, and where it leads to... I have to trust that Jesus is guiding us in the dark.

Lord, have Your way in me. Have Your way in us.

Thank You for Your certainty. Thank You for Your promises that never fail. You are faithful to keep us in Your truth as long as we seek You.
Keep us in the shadow of Your wings. Help us spread Your truth in the most effective way. 
Jesus, grow me. Use me for greater than my own intent. Move me in ways that I could not go on my own. Use me as a vessel to do impossible things. Help me bring the people hope. You are our victory. You are our freedom, our healing, our Savior.
I love You.
Wherever we go from here, I know You have a greater reason than what we might think.

Psalm 139
Ephesians 2:10

First YAC vlog here.
Mountain by HalfNoise

The Source of It All

For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angel nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord. Romans 8:38-39

Why am I so depressed?

I can't figure out what's causing it. I have the hope of the world living inside me. I know who my freedom is, but why is my soul still trapped in a prison? I know the door is wide open, but I find myself cowered in the corner of a dark cell. "WHY AM I TRAPPED?" I scream to the wall. "WHY IS NO ONE HERE TO SEE THAT I CAN'T GO ON?" But the door is open and I am free, yet still cowered in the dark because it's what I was convinced to believe is my home.

This prison is not my home.

Not a physical place. The place inside me I have chosen to stay in for way too long. 

Church of the Harvest was having a Freedom Ministries meeting yesterday from 9:30am-12. It was free and right here in OKC so I decided to go. 

Freedom ministries is unique but the basics of it is receiving deliverance and freedom from strongholds in our life. We ask Jesus to reveal to us the lie that we have been believing, what caused us to believe that lie, and then to give us a truth to replace the lie. It's what they call an exchange. 

This particular day, they said to ask Jesus what we have been making our source. But before they even told us to do this, I heard Jesus say through visuals, words, and feelings that I have been making myself my own source. 

I was not expecting that, but it made so much sense. 

He said that I have myself as my source trying to fill everyones' cups. 

No wonder I constantly feel empty.

He told me I needed to stop this, because in this I've come to blame others for "not caring enough" to empty themselves for me. This is evil, I know it.

When I realized this, I began to ball. What in me has caused me to believe that I don't need anyone? Even after all this time? You'd think I would have learned by now that I am not strong enough. I know Jesus, so why do I continue to run from His help and healing? How is it that i desire His freedom more than anything, yet run from his hand when He reaches out to me? All I truly need is Him. He is the only reliable source there is. He is the true source of it all. 

I know now the lie I have been believing. "You are worthless, Kristin. You know nothing. All you are is just a step stool to lift others up." LIE.

The TRUTH says another thing, "What treasure you are. Yes, it's true, you cannot do this without me. I'm telling you, You're going to need me every step of the way... every breath you take will seem to be difficult... but I AM HERE. You are worth more than you know. I am still thinking thoughts toward you, more than every grain of sand on the sea shore. Your name means BELIEVER IN CHRIST, ANOINTED, VICTORY OF THE PEOPLE. Don't be mistaken, though. You are not their victory. You simply show them where the victory comes from through My anointing. Let me guide you. I won't misuse you. Let Me show you who I Am. I will carry you farther than you can walk, and I will give you more than you need. You are chosen by Me to do things that no one else can do. You're chosen. Show the sheep where the Shepard is, and they will know My voice. You are My Love."

If people don't hear me, I know that You do. I love You, Jesus.

Who Am I - Flyleaf

Proud Insecurity

Jesus wants me here, now. 

This is the last stream I will be in before Youth America Camps start this year. I am in youth for OKC and I have to say, I didn't expect this much personal growth.

Youth at OKC has been said to be the hardest stream to go through in Youth America college, so I was a little intimidated at first thought. But during our first meeting, Pastor Matt said that he really felt like this rotation would have the most impact on us. How? He didn't say. Something in me knew he was right. 

Jesus has been teaching me, lately, how the insecurities I face are selfish. He showed me this in the most gentle way possible. He knows that my inner being cares for people a lot. When I approach people to introduce myself, I typically think wholeheartedly on what I look like, smell like, act like to them; completely disregarding the fact that this moment is important, and I need to give them my full attention. The insecurity I face steals my influence, if I let it. That can't happen. If someone shakes my head and tells me their name, I sure won't remember it if I'm too busy being insecure. It's self-centered on my part. I need to be centered into getting to know them right off the bat. 

Don't be selfish; don't try to impress others. Be humble, thinking of others as better than yourselves. 

Don't look out only for your own interests, but take an interest in others, too.

You must have the same attitude that Christ Jesus had. 

Philippians 2:3-5 nlt

There is no reason to be insecure, Kristin.

Don't you see all that Jesus uses you to do. Many are called and few are chosen. You know well that you are chosen for this. Jesus picks you up when you fall, but why do You so often refuse His hand. You are not a burden to Him. Reach out. He is right there. Remember that you are but a human in this world as well. You want to be a super hero so much that you forget the hero Himself. Let yourself breathe again. Maybe people won't listen to you, but at least you said what Jesus told you to say. They will one day know that Jesus gave them the chance to know the truth through you. You are more than a conqueror. Lift yourself up in the Holy Spirit of Jesus Christ. He is the only One who can lift your sorrows. Let Him know you more. Regardless of what anyone has ever said to you or will say, please remember that Jesus is God and there is none beside Him. (Isaiah 43:11) Jesus holds you and covers you with His wings. You are secure in Jesus alone. Let Him fill you up. You're fixed in Jesus. Let Him move you wherever you are called to be. 

Thank You Jesus for the ability to fly without physical wings. You've grown me into the woman I am not and there's only moving forward from here. You know me better than anyone else. I will spread Your truth. In Jesus name. AMEN.