Fix This

I finally figured it out.
For a very long time, I have done everything in my power to fix things. Fix bad situations. Fix myself.
It just hit me today.
I can't do it. I can't fix it. I can't "fix myself."

This could have stemmed from the OCD I suffered from as a kid that trailed off into my older years.
It could be from the physical, mental, emotional abuse I experienced from a friend in junior high.
The desire to fix things could have come from a series of things.. but maybe I just won't know why yet. I don't even know if I want to know why. Maybe I'm suppose to focus on the present moment for awhile and soak in what is here. I keep saying that I need to do this but I never actually do it. I keep trying to fix things and make things work.
I'm going to take a break from this, but this won't be easy. It's going to take work for me to stop worrying.

I know this, that if I stay present in this moment and deal with things as they come, it will take a huge load off of my shoulders. No one is hard on me.. it's myself. I want to stop this. I want to be free. I am free.

At the beginning of my experience at Youth America College last year, I was assigned to the Edmond campus of Church of the Harvest. The stream I was in was the adult stream, so I spent my practicum time shadowing Pastor Chris and learning from him. One Sunday, he had me help with the baptisms. I was waiting in the offices during service with three people who were going to get baptized, a spunky woman named Ruth, another woman in her 30's, and a 17 year old named Nick. (I had heard Eric talk about Nick since he was in the youth stream and had the chance to connect with him.) Everyone else was talking except for Nick and I, so I asked him what his story was. A friendship developed from here.
About a week later, I was at the OKC campus in the lobby greeting people for night service when he came up to me. He said that Jesus told him to tell me something and that I needed to tell Eric. "You cannot keep trying to love yourself. The only way that you can love yourself is if you let Jesus love you. His love will shine out of you and you will see what is so great about you." I didn't know how, but what he said stuck with me.
A few weeks later, Eric and I were sitting in his car using the church's wifi to watch movies when Jerome came up to us panicked. "You guys! Did you hear?" "Hear what?" Eric asked. "Nick killed himself."
I did not handle this good at all. No one did. But the words he said to me echoed in my head and still do today. I'm not even sure how I remember it all, but I do.

The point of me telling you this story isn't to make you sad, but yet again the puzzle pieces from events in my life are coming together.

If I simply seek Jesus, I will be blessed. He absolutely does not expect me to fix anything. He is my source.

"[33] But seek first the kingdom of God, and His righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you. [34] Take therefore no thought for tomorrow: for tomorrow shall take thought for the things of itself. Sufficient to the day is the evil thereof." Matthew 6:33-34

song I'm listening to

YAC // The Experience

August brought a new adventure for me.

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After getting filled with the fullness of God at a church camp in 2011, I found myself jokingly praying to live there. I wanted to be surrounded by Love and by people on the same mission as me, because that's what it is right? Church Camp.

Two years later I had a new camp experience at Youth America in OKC. On the last night of camp I found out they had this internship for kids who have graduated high school to help deepen their relationship with Jesus and give them the experience they need to build the kingdom. Something in me craved that.

Another two years and I found myself spending two extra weeks as a summer intern, working behind the scenes at Youth America Camp. In these two weeks I experienced tons of spiritual growth and an ambition to run despite all earthly limits. Nothing was going to stop me. At the end of my summer intern experience, I took the step of telling my parents that I felt like Jesus was telling me to spend my first college year at what had transformed from Next Generation Internship to Youth America College.

Everything was laid out for me. After everything that tried to get in the way, I was with my amazing family on our way to Oklahoma City. Eric was on his way as well and we both were making a life-changing transition that would soon bring us much closer. My family was torn between helping me do what Jesus was calling me to do, and wanting me to stay home. They did everything they knew how to support me and show me that they loved me deeply.

The first few months of YAC were battles upon battles. Fights I had with my parents and self doubt arose as I was pursuing the mission I was on to run this marathon. I had one constant best friend who became my boyfriend. Eric. We spent our free time talking and lifting each other up. Even in the numbness and depression that tried to rise up against me, he was there. He had his insecurities, and I had mine. But nothing was about to stop us from what we have been called to do.

The next few months I began to feel at home in OKC. The drivers suck but that dusty place grew on me. There were many things that I started to notice I loved about the college, and many things I hated. Gossip was a big issue, and it began to take a toll on me. I walked in on one of my friends talking about how I wasn't the type of girlfriend Eric needed. There was one person who seemed to get on my nerves by saying I wasn't a leader. He said this often. I kept being reminded of something, though: we are all human. It's a struggle, but I can't hold it against them.

We all live in faulted flesh. We all have our battles and insecurities. 

We all feel worn and unappreciated sometimes.

On Tuesday of last week, I felt like it was time for me to come home. Finding out that all of the credits don't transfer to every college like they advertised sucks, but that isn't why I left. Jesus was pulling my heart back to Missouri. Things just started lining up for the past few months after praying for certainty to know what to do. Although I won't be staying to help with camp, I leave knowing I left a mark.

We are all human. We all need love.

Here is a video of me talking about the experience I had at Youth America College. Check it out.

Now I plan to go to college. I will carry the Love with me. Eric is going to be attending another college as well. 

Just because you can't see what's next, doesn't mean that your future is not there. Do not be afraid of uncertainty. 

For who is God save the Lord? or who is a rock save our God?

It is God that girds me with strength, and makes my way perfect.

He makes my feet like hinds' feet, and sets me upon my high places.

Psalm 18:31-33

Dreamer

You're a hopeful soul.

Yeah, that's right. Despite what anyone has told you, or even what you've told yourself, you need to know that you are a hopeful soul.

You have a dream in your heart that's been there awhile. Don't check out. You know I'm right.
What do you want more than anything?
Why do you want it?

Think back to the earliest memory you've had. What did you want more than anything then? I'm willing to bet that what you want now isn't too far from what you wanted then.

When I was 3 years old, I lived in Tennessee.
People say that memory develops after 4 years old, but my memory seems to have exceeded that limit. 
I remember being with my mom, dad, and little Jewell in the church in Bradford. We always stayed late after service. I was as close to the stage as I could get, staring at the microphone. One of the ladies who sang for worship came and asked me if I wanted to sing in it. For some reason I got scared and ran. I always remembered that and tried to figure out why I was so scared. I know I was little, but that fear traveled into my teenage years.
When I was 14, I fell in love with someOne. He showed me that desire again, and that I was to speak for Him. This time, fear wont take my voice away.

What's your dream? Who are you? What do you want more than anything?

Take hold of the dream inside you. Stir up your hope. You're meant for more than you know.

Don't lose your hope.

Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a dream fulfilled is a tree of life. Proverbs 13:12 

You have so much to add to the world. You are no waste of space.

Keep dreaming.

Say the Word