Wednesday, November 23, 2016

Unstuck



Recently, like the past few months, I have been kinda down about my life. WHY? Hahahah I don't know because honestly, I have a VERY fortunate life.
But we all get down sometimes, right? I mean, obviously. We are humans. Things don't always go our way.

At this point in my life, I am almost 20 and feeling kinda stuck. The type of stuck where you feel you should be doing so much more than you really are but you have absolutely no idea how to do that so you just stay still. It's not that you're lazy, you just feel kinda overwhelmed.

I know that this is just a certain time in my life, and honestly, I apologize for the lack of writings on here.
Things are going much better for me and my thoughts and I thought I would share with you how I am achieving that.

In all honesty, you have to push yourself.
You cannot expect the good thoughts to just come to you, ESPECIALLY if you are prone to thinking bad ones. You have to PURPOSEFULLY CHOOSE to think about good things.

If there is one thing we have complete control over, that no one else does, it's our thoughts. I used to not know that, when it should have been obvious.

Wake up each morning and think about things you are GRATEFUL for. Even if there appears to be nothing, and all you can see are the problems, LOOK CLOSER. There is ALWAYS something beautiful to be seen. This is exercising your brain and helping it become the happy self you always want to be.

Don't allow yourself to become addicted to self loathing, or negative thinking.
That might sound crazy to you, but honestly it can become an addiction, just like anything else.

When I was at Youth America College, I found myself in such a dark place because of the thoughts I was thinking. I literally repeated how I hated myself and how I should just die over and over and didn't think it would harm me. Well... it did. I was so drained because I allowed my brain to feed itself poison. Never again. I pray I check myself on this for my entire life.

These things can SEEM to be true. The can seem like the ultimate truth, but it never is.
Create your new reality.

The more good things you think about, the more good things are drawn to you.
The more bad things you think about, the more bad things are drawn to you.

This is a proven fact, it is the way Jesus created this universe, and glory to Him for that. We can create a wonderful world around us simply through thought. The rest will follow.

"And to the peace of God, which passes all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.
Finally, brothers, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things.
Those things, which you have both learned, and received, and heard, and seen in me, do: and the God of peace shall be with you." Philippians 4:7-9

Tuesday, October 4, 2016

Burn it all



When I was seven years old, I was fighting sleep when I noticed crackling noises and a yellow light outside my bedroom window.
I peaked through the blinds and saw that the abandoned house next door had caught fire and was completely immersed in flames. Fear struck through my entire body and I ran into the kitchen to tell my parents what I had just saw. They didn't believe me at first. I can imagine it was a shock to them, too.
After we called 911, we all stood outside watching the energy of the flames consume the old house. I remember wondering why no one lived in it to begin with, that maybe the last person who lived there wanted to leave behind the things that happened within those walls.
I could feel the heat so hot on my face even being a thousand feet away.

This memory reminds me of something that we should all know: the past is gone, but there are things that still consume us to this day. They wrap themselves around our minds and our bodies reminding us of our darkness, and the things that haunted us. How can we move on when the past feels more alive than our present? Is there a future for us? How can we move forward when these black vines have their grip on our ankles dragging us back?

I'm about to tell you something that will change you, if you believe.

Jesus is a fire.

He isn't a man that sways when He walks and speaks softer than your great grandmother. He is God and He is powerful, able to consume even the darkest parts of your past and present. There are things you have been saved from that you aren't even aware of. You're here, alive for a very specific reason. So don't let what happened THEN affect your NOW.

“Therefore, since we are receiving a kingdom which cannot be shaken, let us have grace, by which we may serve God acceptably with reverence and godly fear. For our God is a consuming fire.”
Hebrews 12:28-29 NKJV

I suppose humanity will always try to have a grip on us, but it will not win.

No matter the sin that entangles us, we have VICTORY in our God, JESUS CHRIST.

You are not disgusting.

You are clean.

The old is gone.

Our God consumed the darkness with His Love.

Forgive yourself and let Him burn it all.

Do not hate yourself for the things you have done. Do not try to outdo yourself to please God. He is already so proud of you. Just let Him in, let Him love you, and remember that you are worthy through Him alone. Let His forgiveness remind you that you cannot do this on your own. He loves you more than anything.


Jesus, thank you for not hiding yourself from us. Thank you for not casting a shadow on us to make us feel small, but to remind us that we are safe, that you do not judge us the way man does. You do not see us as less. You see us as more. Heal our broken hearts and clean our battle wounds. Take away our tattered pasts and burn it all. The good remains. In Jesus name, amen.

Monday, August 15, 2016

Your Emotions, Your Choice.



If you've been following this blog for awhile, you have seen some of the emotions and deep thoughts I have had throughout the past 7ish months. Sometimes, not always very positive... but still reaching for hope in times that I felt so desperately lost. Not lost as in I don't know who I am or what the meaning of life is, but lost as in I let my emotions blind me and lead me into the dark.
That is possible, you know.. to actually allow yourself to become spiritually and emotionally blind. Let's keep that from happening, okay?

We all have our thing. That thing that keeps us from moving forward at times. For me, it's totally taking a much-too-long look at the past, or even the future. It's so bad. I have actually spent most of my life either worrying over things that happened in the past, or fretting over things that are to come. If you have always understood the importance of the present moment and never really had a problem living in it, you are probably so much farther a long in that knowledge than I am. But to be honest, it's one of the biggest lessons of my life that I am continually learning. It's okay.. it is.. to be afraid sometimes. It happens. It's part of life. But there is no need to let it control you. You have control.

I feel like I'm always saying something about Oklahoma City and the time I spent there, but it truly was one of the biggest times of my life so far. All of the things I gained while living hours away from my family and learning more about myself, Jesus, and what it is that I am called to do... it overwhelms me in a good way when I think about it. There is absolutely no way that I would ever take any of it back. If I'm honest, though, literally none of it was easy. The best part about it was being able to see Eric everyday. The worst was the fact that over time I let my emotions control me. I didn't even realize this until Eric literally just said it, "Kristin, you have got to stop this. You let your emotions control you way too much." "No I don't!" Haha. I'm funny. I knew he was right, and since then, I have made steps to fix that.

It's not easy. 

It's not. It is so much easier to just let your thoughts go... but is it? NOPE. Because when you let your wild mustang of a mind go, it has a tendancy to wreck things up. (That being your mind, then your body, then your life and the people around you)

It's all in your head. You've just got to pick yourself up and keep going.

There is hope.

It doesn't matter how many doctors have diagnosed you, how many people have said it, or even how long you have been telling yourself the same story that you will never be good enough. You can change your mind. Remember. These are YOUR EMOTIONS. This means that it is YOUR CHOICE on how you feel. YOU ARE THE ONLY ONE WHO HAS CONTROL OF YOUR THOUGHTS. I REPEAT. YOU ARE THE ONLY ONE WHO HAS CONTROL OF YOUR THOUGHTS. So why not think about things that bring life? This doesn't mean ignoring bad situations. It means being real with yourself and everyone else but thinking in a postive, healthy way.

You have control. Life is not hopeless. You are not hopeless. There is more to life that waking up and going to sleep. You have an impact that this world needs to feel. You have meaning. Now, rise up.You can master the art of your thoughts. Be the master of your own mind.

Here is a video that I made talking more about this.

Thank you so much for taking the time to read this. I pray that you are blessed in Jesus name and experience more wonderful things than you ever thought you could.

"Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things. 
What you have learned and received and heard and seen in me---practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you." Philippians 3:19

Monday, August 1, 2016

We Get Stronger



My brothers,
count it all joy when you fall into divers temptations and hard times;
Knowing this, that the trying of your faith works your patience.
But let patience have her perfect work, that you may be perfect and entire,
lacking nothing.
James 1:2-4

This verse has been repeating itself in my head for years now. 
I didn't get why at first. But over and over and over it shows up in my life.

"Yes, I know, Jesus. I know that hard times make me patient. I think I know that by now."

I literally said that, and as soon as I did, I realized that it's not that He thinks I haven't learned my lesson on patience. It's just that.. this life isn't going to be easy. I'm not sure why I thought that someday it would. 

It doesn't get easier.

No, it doesn't get easier. It doesn't. I used to tell people that it did. I truly thought it would. I have waited for it and no.. it's not going to happen. Things are hard. Life is hard.

But you know what? We get stronger.
We get stronger than we ever thought we could.
We are never going to have it all together. We are never going to know what to do next 100% of the time. 

Patience is knowing this. Patience is not letting situations or emotions control you, but remaining faithful to the hope you have that good is to come.

There's a light up ahead.

Even though things don't get easier, we have a source of strength that will never fail. The source that never runs out of power. Stay plugged in. Make sure your outlet isn't something that runs out of power. 

Jesus is the only One who can give it all and not run out.

Be careful what you wish for.

Stay grateful.

This life is a gift and there is so much beauty to be found in it.

Don't stay so focused on your shadow that you forget about the light around you.

You are more than enough for this life.

You are worth the fight.

Keep going.

It will be okay in the end.

Saturday, July 23, 2016

Dream Anything



Who said that we were ever suppose to stop dreaming? 

When I was in kindergarten, our elementary counselor came to our class and had us draw pictures of what we wanted to be when we grew up. She dumped crayons on our desks and gave us all a white sheet of paper. No one seemed to hesitate and began scribbling and coloring the stories of who they dreamed to be. I wanted to draw myself with a microphone in my hand, singing songs on a stage. Did I do that? Nope. I looked around and saw the other drawings that every other girl made. Princess. Doctor. Vet. Princess. Princess. Doctor. I wanted to be a singer. Instead, I drew a princess.
After we were finished with our drawings, the counselor gathered them all up in a pile. A week later, on our way to lunch, we all saw our pictures taped to the wall in the hallway. I loved seeing them, but was so sad that I didn't draw myself as the singer I hoped to be. 

This memory is seriously stuck in my memory. I have looked back on this memory a lot. Because of this simple experience as a little girl, I have promised myself to accomplish my dreams no matter what everyone else is doing. We aren't required to do any certain thing. 

It seems to me like the more I look around, the more I see people doing things with their lives because it's the most acceptable thing to do. Some of you are going to school for something that you have absolutely no desire to do (if you're being completely honest with yourself). You're not passionate about what you're doing and you feel completely unhappy. Or maybe you're happy, you just wish you would have done things differently. Well, good news. You're not done yet. Go do what you love. Go do it before it's too late, because NOTHING is impossible. People don't just accomplish their dreams from luck. They work hard and they have a vision. 
You have the ability to do anything you can dream of. 
Dream wisely. Dream anything.
Don't worry about how. Just do it. Take it one step at a time and do not give up.

I hope I have inspired someone out there. Do whatever it takes to accomplish your wildest dreams.

"Where there is no vision, the people perish: but he that keeps the law is happy." Proverbs 29:18

Friday, July 15, 2016

The Truth About the Truth



I'm sure I'm not the only one who has marveled at the fact that there are so many different denominations in Christianity. Like, for a people who preach that we should be unified... we seem pretty divided to me. This is an issue, honestly, but then again we can't expect everyone to agree with everything we believe.
One of the biggest things that has divided Christians to create their own denominations is the difference in belief about the deity of God and how to be saved. For some of you, this is news.. but take a closer look at what I'm saying when you read the essay I wrote while I was in ministry school.
All of the students were given a different topic to discuss in an essay. My topic was "Understanding Salvation - Through the Teachings of Jesus and Paul"
I gathered all of my information through personal revelation through Jesus Christ and His word.
All that I said is just so important to me that I couldn't help but share it with you.

Here it is.

Kristin West
Pastor Monica Pankratz
Life and Writings of Paul
13 April 2016


Understanding Salvation Through the Teachings of Jesus and Paul
Humanity forces us to realize something: we all need a savior. From the beginning, God laid out a plan to show humanity His name and His face. We were once a people who didn’t know their own God. But God, all powerful and seeking intimacy with His creation, proclaimed that He would come to us and write His law on our hearts. We would then be His people and He would be our God. (Jeremiah 31:33) When we realize that Jesus is the all-powerful God in the flesh, we must then see how He wants to know us deeper. Salvation according to the words of Jesus Himself is a lot different than what we expected: we cannot earn it. Apostle Paul is a direct example of the poured out love for a struggling people by a God who laid it all down to save us.
Through the teachings of Paul, we must look back to when he was first converted. Paul’s first name being Saul, made it his mission to kill those called Christians: ones who believed that Jesus of Nazareth was the Messiah. God had declared that He would bring Himself down to earth in the form of a servant, that being Jesus. Saul was on his way to kill more Christians when a bright light and a strong, gentle voice came out of nowhere. Saul realized, then, that Jesus truly is God. This began the mark of history. Paul became a pillar in the church showing others his revelation. (Acts 9)
The foundation of the truth of salvation according to Jesus and Paul is that Jesus is God. Colossians 2:9 says, “For in Him(Jesus) the whole fullness of deity dwells bodily.” Paul wrote this to the Colossians, sharing the revelation that Jesus is God. Many people understand that Jesus is God but still refer to God as three separate personalities or beings. Paul knew this false doctrine would happen and warned people several times. (1 Timothy 6:20-21, Ephesians 4:11-16, Romans 16:17-20, Acts 20:28-30) Paul also said that those that are deceived would also be deceived themselves. (2 Timothy 3:13) All this being said, the teachings of Paul show us that we must be careful not to believe just anyone, but we must first look to the Word of God and His Spirit for the truth. For Jesus said that He is the Only Way, and The Way, Truth, and Life. (John 14:6)
In Acts 19:1-8, Paul was journeying and bumped into some Christians. He was very excited to see people that understood that Jesus is God. The first thing Paul asked them was if they had received the Holy Spirit since they believed. They scratched their heads and said, “We didn’t even know there was a Holy Spirit.” Paul turned his head a bit and asked them, “Well, by what name were you baptized?” Then the believers told him that they were baptized in John’s baptism. We see then, that Paul knew they didn’t have the full truth. They had taken the first steps of salvation as believers. Then we see that Paul explained to them that John’s baptism was the baptism of repentance before Jesus came, and they needed to be baptized in the name of Jesus Christ for the remission of sins. They soaked up what Paul said and he baptized them in the name of Jesus and prayed for them with the laying on of hands. They were then filled with the Holy Spirit with the evidence of speaking in tongues and prophesying.
This shows that Paul was genuinely concerned that they didn’t know the truth and the importance of being filled with the water and the Spirit. He told them everything and acted upon it. If it wasn’t important to be baptized in the name of Jesus and be filled with His Spirit, Paul wouldn’t have made it of such importance. This shows that baptism of both water and Spirit is salvational. Jesus Christ, Himself, said “Truly, truly, I say to you, unless one is born again he cannot see the kingdom of God,” and “Truly, truly, I say to you, unless one is born of the water and the Spirit he cannot enter the kingdom of God.” (John 3:3-5)
Jesus said that the greatest act of love is when a man lays down his life for a friend. (John 15:13) Later on, the disciples marveled at this and saw the foreshadow of His death for them. Everything came together after Jesus resurrected up to Heaven. This began the revelation of grace; undeserved and unearned. Paul, a man who called himself the chief of all sinners had a constant revelation that none of us deserve the love and salvation of Jesus. We are flawed and made from dust, but He still breathes life into us. (Psalm 103:14, John 20:22) No human is good, no, not one. (Ecc. 7:20, Psalm 14:1-3, Psalm 53:1-3, Romans 3:10) Jesus looked at us with loving eyes and decided to come down to a people undeserving to give us freedom. This seems to have been the greatest message Paul preached: grace. He made it very clear that there is nothing we can do to earn Jesus’ love, that all we have to do is believe in Him and call out to Him, and He will save us. Jesus looks at our hearts and sees us differently than we see ourselves. As humans, we tend to gravitate towards what we deserve and don’t deserve. With grace, there aren’t any amount of rules or regulations we have to follow in order to be saved. All we must do is believe and confess, and we have the promise of His Spirit and salvation. (Joel 2:32, Romans 10:13, Acts 2:21, 1 Cor. 1:2)
Looking at the day of Pentecost, the Holy Spirit fell upon the Earth and people were filled. Many different people of different backgrounds came together for a feast, and began to speak in tongues as the Spirit gave them utterance. (Acts 2:4) People were stumbling and laughing, as others walked in calling them drunkards. But Peter told them that they weren’t drunk as they suppose. (Acts 2:15) The men were pricked in their hearts and didn’t know what to do, for this had never happened before. Peter rose up and told them what they must do to be saved. Repent, be baptized everyone of you in the name of Jesus Christ for the remission of sins and you shall receive the gift of the Holy Spirit.” (Acts 2:37-39) He then told them that this promise of the Holy Spirit infilling was for everyone.
We see through the writings of Jesus and Paul that salvation is completely undeserved. There is nothing

we can do to earn His great love. If we believe, we have salvation, and this is just the beginning. We all have


the promise of being born again.


Here is a great video explaining the Oneness of God very simply.


Wednesday, June 1, 2016

Perception of Self






What if I told you that you can decide how you see yourself? What if I told you that you could finally see all that is wonderful and beautiful about you?

We all have something to bring to this world. We all have words that need heard and stories that need to be shared.
It can be hard to include ourselves in the word "we" at times considering the way we see ourselves, but let me assure you, you are included. YOU. Yes, you.

It all begins with your thoughts. Begin to think positive things about yourself, even if they seem like complete lies.

In school, there was someone in my life that constantly put me down and made me feel like a lesser person and not the most attractive human. This caused me to see myself as the ugliest person on this planet. When I looked in the mirror, I literally saw an "ugly monster." Quite negative, I know, but I'm just being honest. I had a very poor self image.

Now, I'm not saying that I have a perfect self image now... because I don't by any means! But, throughout the years, I have grown and I am finally starting to see the wonderful things about myself. Things that were once non-existent to me are now glowing before my eyes. It's funny, really, because people in my life are starting to acknowledge these traits about me as well.

It begins with a step.

Take a step and go face yourself in a mirror. Look directly in your eyes and tell yourself all the good things you don't believe about yourself yet. For me that's, "I am worth it. I'm confident. I'm wonderful. I am not average. I am beautiful. I have so much to bring to this world."
The first time I said "I am beautiful" looking in the mirror, I literally felt like I was going to get sick. It felt like the biggest lie I could have ever told, but something shifted in me after that, and since then I began to change.

You are more than what you think.

You are going to start believing this.

Monday, May 16, 2016

Fix This



I finally figured it out.
For a very long time, I have done everything in my power to fix things. Fix bad situations. Fix myself.
It just hit me today.
I can't do it. I can't fix it. I can't "fix myself."

This could have stemmed from the OCD I suffered from as a kid that trailed off into my older years.
It could be from the physical, mental, emotional abuse I experienced from a friend in junior high.
The desire to fix things could have come from a series of things.. but maybe I just won't know why yet. I don't even know if I want to know why. Maybe I'm suppose to focus on the present moment for awhile and soak in what is here. I keep saying that I need to do this but I never actually do it. I keep trying to fix things and make things work.
I'm going to take a break from this, but this won't be easy. It's going to take work for me to stop worrying.

I know this, that if I stay present in this moment and deal with things as they come, it will take a huge load off of my shoulders. No one is hard on me.. it's myself. I want to stop this. I want to be free. I am free.

At the beginning of my experience at Youth America College last year, I was assigned to the Edmond campus of Church of the Harvest. The stream I was in was the adult stream, so I spent my practicum time shadowing Pastor Chris and learning from him. One Sunday, he had me help with the baptisms. I was waiting in the offices during service with three people who were going to get baptized, a spunky woman named Ruth, another woman in her 30's, and a 17 year old named Nick. (I had heard Eric talk about Nick since he was in the youth stream and had the chance to connect with him.) Everyone else was talking except for Nick and I, so I asked him what his story was. A friendship developed from here.
About a week later, I was at the OKC campus in the lobby greeting people for night service when he came up to me. He said that Jesus told him to tell me something and that I needed to tell Eric. "You cannot keep trying to love yourself. The only way that you can love yourself is if you let Jesus love you. His love will shine out of you and you will see what is so great about you." I didn't know how, but what he said stuck with me.
A few weeks later, Eric and I were sitting in his car using the church's wifi to watch movies when Jerome came up to us panicked. "You guys! Did you hear?" "Hear what?" Eric asked. "Nick killed himself."
I did not handle this good at all. No one did. But the words he said to me echoed in my head and still do today. I'm not even sure how I remember it all, but I do.

The point of me telling you this story isn't to make you sad, but yet again the puzzle pieces from events in my life are coming together.

If I simply seek Jesus, I will be blessed. He absolutely does not expect me to fix anything. He is my source.

"[33] But seek first the kingdom of God, and His righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you. [34] Take therefore no thought for tomorrow: for tomorrow shall take thought for the things of itself. Sufficient to the day is the evil thereof." Matthew 6:33-34

song I'm listening to

Sunday, May 8, 2016

YAC // The Experience




August brought a new adventure for me.

--

After getting filled with the fullness of God at a church camp in 2011, I found myself jokingly praying to live there. I wanted to be surrounded by Love and by people on the same mission as me, because that's what it is right? Church Camp.

Two years later I had a new camp experience at Youth America in OKC. On the last night of camp I found out they had this internship for kids who have graduated high school to help deepen their relationship with Jesus and give them the experience they need to build the kingdom. Something in me craved that.

Another two years and I found myself spending two extra weeks as a summer intern, working behind the scenes at Youth America Camp. In these two weeks I experienced tons of spiritual growth and an ambition to run despite all earthly limits. Nothing was going to stop me. At the end of my summer intern experience, I took the step of telling my parents that I felt like Jesus was telling me to spend my first college year at what had transformed from Next Generation Internship to Youth America College.

Everything was laid out for me. After everything that tried to get in the way, I was with my amazing family on our way to Oklahoma City. Eric was on his way as well and we both were making a life-changing transition that would soon bring us much closer. My family was torn between helping me do what Jesus was calling me to do, and wanting me to stay home. They did everything they knew how to support me and show me that they loved me deeply.

The first few months of YAC were battles upon battles. Fights I had with my parents and self doubt arose as I was pursuing the mission I was on to run this marathon. I had one constant best friend who became my boyfriend. Eric. We spent our free time talking and lifting each other up. Even in the numbness and depression that tried to rise up against me, he was there. He had his insecurities, and I had mine. But nothing was about to stop us from what we have been called to do.

The next few months I began to feel at home in OKC. The drivers suck but that dusty place grew on me. There were many things that I started to notice I loved about the college, and many things I hated. Gossip was a big issue, and it began to take a toll on me. I walked in on one of my friends talking about how I wasn't the type of girlfriend Eric needed. There was one person who seemed to get on my nerves by saying I wasn't a leader. He said this often. I kept being reminded of something, though: we are all human. It's a struggle, but I can't hold it against them.

We all live in faulted flesh. We all have our battles and insecurities. 

We all feel worn and unappreciated sometimes.

On Tuesday of last week, I felt like it was time for me to come home. Finding out that all of the credits don't transfer to every college like they advertised sucks, but that isn't why I left. Jesus was pulling my heart back to Missouri. Things just started lining up for the past few months after praying for certainty to know what to do. Although I won't be staying to help with camp, I leave knowing I left a mark.

We are all human. We all need love.

Here is a video of me talking about the experience I had at Youth America College. Check it out.


Now I plan to go to college. I will carry the Love with me. Eric is going to be attending another college as well. 

Just because you can't see what's next, doesn't mean that your future is not there. Do not be afraid of uncertainty. 

For who is God save the Lord? or who is a rock save our God?
It is God that girds me with strength, and makes my way perfect.
He makes my feet like hinds' feet, and sets me upon my high places.
Psalm 18:31-33

Monday, May 2, 2016

Dreamer







You're a hopeful soul.

Yeah, that's right. Despite what anyone has told you, or even what you've told yourself, you need to know that you are a hopeful soul.

You have a dream in your heart that's been there awhile. Don't check out. You know I'm right.
What do you want more than anything?
Why do you want it?

Think back to the earliest memory you've had. What did you want more than anything then? I'm willing to bet that what you want now isn't too far from what you wanted then.

When I was 3 years old, I lived in Tennessee.
People say that memory develops after 4 years old, but my memory seems to have exceeded that limit. 
I remember being with my mom, dad, and little Jewell in the church in Bradford. We always stayed late after service. I was as close to the stage as I could get, staring at the microphone. One of the ladies who sang for worship came and asked me if I wanted to sing in it. For some reason I got scared and ran. I always remembered that and tried to figure out why I was so scared. I know I was little, but that fear traveled into my teenage years.
When I was 14, I fell in love with someOne. He showed me that desire again, and that I was to speak for Him. This time, fear wont take my voice away.

What's your dream? Who are you? What do you want more than anything?

Take hold of the dream inside you. Stir up your hope. You're meant for more than you know.

Don't lose your hope.

Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a dream fulfilled is a tree of life. Proverbs 13:12 

You have so much to add to the world. You are no waste of space.

Keep dreaming.

Say the Word 

Saturday, April 30, 2016

How It All Plays Out





Dang, I love Jesus.
I'm serious. He leaves me speechless.
I'm so grateful for a God who isn't far away. The lie that many people think is truth is that God is far away.
The truth is Jesus is God. God manifested Himself into the body of a man so that He could walk with us and know what we go through, first hand. He was a God that seemed so distant, but He came to us in the most intimate way. 
Now that He lived His life, died, and resurrected... even still... He is even closer than before.

When I was 14 years old, I was hungry for more than just a belief. I wanted something that I had always been so afraid of before: intimacy with the One who created me.
I had been in a rebellious phase of drinking, hating, hurting, and addiction. No one seemed to know I was hurting, so I continued to hurt myself and people.
A young girl so frustrated with everything that she wanted everyone around her to be frustrated too.
I just didn't want to be alone.

When I walked into the sanctuary of that camp, I knew something would change. I wasn't sure how, but I knew what I needed. Weeks before, I asked Jesus to fill me with His Spirit. I tried to get it. Nothing happened. But that Monday night of Crash camp on June 27, 2011, I spoke with tongues and was baptized in Love. (Acts 2:4) It changed my life. Of course, my first battle was trying to figure out if it actually happened or not. But, two days later I experienced it again. It was so intense this time. I couldn't deny how real it was.

After this, I felt a tug on me that I couldn't ignore. I knew with everything within me that I was suppose to lead people to His love. When I got home, I told my mom that I felt called to ministry. She told me that when I was born, she knew I would be. This is not something I ever thought I would do. I didn't know how it would happen, but as time went on, Jesus began to show me pieces of my future. Little by little, the hope of my calling was before my eyes. (Ephesians 1:18)

Eric was someone that always stayed in the back of my mind. Every time I saw him, I got butterflies. I didn't understand, though, because I had only talked to him a number of times. On June 27, 2012, we realized we both liked each other at Forward Conference 2012. This was the beginning of a journey that seemed to take forever, but eventually, we ended up together.

Looking at everything that has happened in the past 5 years, I see myself where I am now and all that has happened. It blows me away to see me doing ministry in Oklahoma City with the man of my dreams. I did not think it would happen this way. And if I stay, what an adventure that is ahead. If we don't stay, what an adventure still.

If you're still reading this,

I have no idea what will happen within the next three months, but I am very excited. This is a point within our journey where we don't see the way ahead. It seems as if all I can see is where my feet are now. But there's a step that must be taken, and where it leads to... I have to trust that Jesus is guiding us in the dark.

Lord, have Your way in me. Have Your way in us.

Thank You for Your certainty. Thank You for Your promises that never fail. You are faithful to keep us in Your truth as long as we seek You.
Keep us in the shadow of Your wings. Help us spread Your truth in the most effective way. 
Jesus, grow me. Use me for greater than my own intent. Move me in ways that I could not go on my own. Use me as a vessel to do impossible things. Help me bring the people hope. You are our victory. You are our freedom, our healing, our Savior.
I love You.
Wherever we go from here, I know You have a greater reason than what we might think.

Psalm 139
Ephesians 2:10

First YAC vlog here.
Mountain by HalfNoise

Saturday, April 23, 2016

The Source of It All





For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angel nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord. Romans 8:38-39

Why am I so depressed?
I can't figure out what's causing it. I have the hope of the world living inside me. I know who my freedom is, but why is my soul still trapped in a prison? I know the door is wide open, but I find myself cowered in the corner of a dark cell. "WHY AM I TRAPPED?" I scream to the wall. "WHY IS NO ONE HERE TO SEE THAT I CAN'T GO ON?" But the door is open and I am free, yet still cowered in the dark because it's what I was convinced to believe is my home.

This prison is not my home.

Not a physical place. The place inside me I have chosen to stay in for way too long. 

Church of the Harvest was having a Freedom Ministries meeting yesterday from 9:30am-12. It was free and right here in OKC so I decided to go. 
Freedom ministries is unique but the basics of it is receiving deliverance and freedom from strongholds in our life. We ask Jesus to reveal to us the lie that we have been believing, what caused us to believe that lie, and then to give us a truth to replace the lie. It's what they call an exchange. 
This particular day, they said to ask Jesus what we have been making our source. But before they even told us to do this, I heard Jesus say through visuals, words, and feelings that I have been making myself my own source. 
I was not expecting that, but it made so much sense. 
He said that I have myself as my source trying to fill everyones' cups. 

No wonder I constantly feel empty.

He told me I needed to stop this, because in this I've come to blame others for "not caring enough" to empty themselves for me. This is evil, I know it.
When I realized this, I began to ball. What in me has caused me to believe that I don't need anyone? Even after all this time? You'd think I would have learned by now that I am not strong enough. I know Jesus, so why do I continue to run from His help and healing? How is it that i desire His freedom more than anything, yet run from his hand when He reaches out to me? All I truly need is Him. He is the only reliable source there is. He is the true source of it all. 

I know now the lie I have been believing. "You are worthless, Kristin. You know nothing. All you are is just a step stool to lift others up." LIE.

The TRUTH says another thing, "What treasure you are. Yes, it's true, you cannot do this without me. I'm telling you, You're going to need me every step of the way... every breath you take will seem to be difficult... but I AM HERE. You are worth more than you know. I am still thinking thoughts toward you, more than every grain of sand on the sea shore. Your name means BELIEVER IN CHRIST, ANOINTED, VICTORY OF THE PEOPLE. Don't be mistaken, though. You are not their victory. You simply show them where the victory comes from through My anointing. Let me guide you. I won't misuse you. Let Me show you who I Am. I will carry you farther than you can walk, and I will give you more than you need. You are chosen by Me to do things that no one else can do. You're chosen. Show the sheep where the Shepard is, and they will know My voice. You are My Love."

If people don't hear me, I know that You do. I love You, Jesus.

Who Am I - Flyleaf

Friday, April 22, 2016

Proud Insecurity




Jesus wants me here, now. 

This is the last stream I will be in before Youth America Camps start this year. I am in youth for OKC and I have to say, I didn't expect this much personal growth.

Youth at OKC has been said to be the hardest stream to go through in Youth America college, so I was a little intimidated at first thought. But during our first meeting, Pastor Matt said that he really felt like this rotation would have the most impact on us. How? He didn't say. Something in me knew he was right. 

Jesus has been teaching me, lately, how the insecurities I face are selfish. He showed me this in the most gentle way possible. He knows that my inner being cares for people a lot. When I approach people to introduce myself, I typically think wholeheartedly on what I look like, smell like, act like to them; completely disregarding the fact that this moment is important, and I need to give them my full attention. The insecurity I face steals my influence, if I let it. That can't happen. If someone shakes my head and tells me their name, I sure won't remember it if I'm too busy being insecure. It's self-centered on my part. I need to be centered into getting to know them right off the bat. 

Don't be selfish; don't try to impress others. Be humble, thinking of others as better than yourselves. 
Don't look out only for your own interests, but take an interest in others, too.
You must have the same attitude that Christ Jesus had. 
Philippians 2:3-5 nlt

There is no reason to be insecure, Kristin.
Don't you see all that Jesus uses you to do. Many are called and few are chosen. You know well that you are chosen for this. Jesus picks you up when you fall, but why do You so often refuse His hand. You are not a burden to Him. Reach out. He is right there. Remember that you are but a human in this world as well. You want to be a super hero so much that you forget the hero Himself. Let yourself breathe again. Maybe people won't listen to you, but at least you said what Jesus told you to say. They will one day know that Jesus gave them the chance to know the truth through you. You are more than a conqueror. Lift yourself up in the Holy Spirit of Jesus Christ. He is the only One who can lift your sorrows. Let Him know you more. Regardless of what anyone has ever said to you or will say, please remember that Jesus is God and there is none beside Him. (Isaiah 43:11) Jesus holds you and covers you with His wings. You are secure in Jesus alone. Let Him fill you up. You're fixed in Jesus. Let Him move you wherever you are called to be. 

Thank You Jesus for the ability to fly without physical wings. You've grown me into the woman I am not and there's only moving forward from here. You know me better than anyone else. I will spread Your truth. In Jesus name. AMEN.

Thursday, April 21, 2016

Thoughts



"The unfed mind devours itself." -Gore Vidal

As I walk through my day, many thoughts come and go. The ones that stay are my choice.

It's always been a struggle of mine controlling my emotions. 

I used to get homesick. The kind of homesick where you can't stay at someone's house longer than about five hours until you started freaking out. I couldn't help it. My mind would start to shift into a dark place as soon as the sun would set. My anxiety would hit its peak and it seemed that all I was was fear itself.

Jewell and I went to a friend's house to spend the night when I was 15 years old. That friend told us that she had struggled with depression and suicide and had planned many times to kill herself. Little did she know that I had struggled with the same thing. That night, I found myself awake while everyone was already asleep. My brain was taunting me with visuals of her hung in the corner of her room. It was dark in there, but it looked so real to me. I couldn't shake this feeling that felt like nothing and everything at the same times. Anxiety and fear was starting to overtake me. After several hours of self talk and the attempt of prayer, I texted my mom and told her I was afraid. She encouraged me and reminded me that there was nothing to fear, that I should read my Bible. The fear seemed too strong, though, and eventually my dad said he would come get me. By the time my dad was there, the sun was up and it was 7:00 am. The fear was gone and I was okay. 
My dad then spent an hour in our driveway telling me that I needed to control my thoughts, that they were the source to my emotions and fears. He reminded me that I could feed my mind with whatever I wanted and I could feel however I wanted. It stuck with me ever since.

I still struggle with my emotions and thoughts. It's been more difficult at this school that Jesus called me to be at, but I know He is with me and teaching me as I go. I will not give up. I am more than a conqueror.

So, I need to feed myself with good thoughts. Literally, I have to force-feed myself positive thoughts and vibes. Scripture reading, good music, laughing, and intimacy with Jesus are my medicine.

Thank You Jesus for the ability to influence my surroundings with what I hold within me. 

My goal is to let the light within me shine, because I know that when I finally let it shine again... it will change the world.

Isaiah 60:1-5 


Prayer for the Self Condemned





In my distress I called upon the Lord, and cried unto my God: He heard my voice out of His temple, and my cry came before Him, even into His ears. Psalm 18:6

He sent from above, He took me, He drew me out of many waters.
He delivered me from my strong enemy, and from them which hated me: for they were too strong for me.
They prevented me in the day of my calamity: but the Lord was my stay. 
He brought me forth also into a large place; He delivered me, because He delighted in me. 
Psalm 18:16-18

Since I was born, I have had an aching desire to do what is right. You have, too. Since we have it in our fleshly beings to do wrong at times, this can seem like a lie, but I promise you that in all of us... somewhere... there is a will to do good.
Something hard for me to remember at times is that I cannot always be good or expect myself to be perfect. Apostle Paul said Himself that there is not one good person that doesn't sin. The thing about sin is that it keeps us separated from the creator and Savior, Jesus. It keeps us away from Him because we let our hearts and minds pull at us to the point where condemnation seeps in. "You are not good enough and you never will be. You're a monster. You were never worth the fight, so you should just stop breathing." These thoughts have echoed in my head since day one. This is called condemnation.

Promise.
There is therefore now no condemnation to them that are in Christ Jesus, who don't walk after the flesh, but after the Spirit.
For the law of the Spirit of life in Christ Jesus has made me free from the law of sin and death. 
Romans 8:1-2

I know that if you've been raised in church, there's a good chance that you've heard this scripture, but don't let yourself become numb to it as I had. It's a legit promise that holds a fire. You are not condemned. You are not a monster. You are a light and royalty. Do not let anyone or anything steal your crown, your authority. 

Jesus, 
please take away all that is rotten in me. Use me as a vessel to free others from the spirit of condemnation in Jesus name. You died for our freedom, so I command every evil spirit set out against us in Jesus name to leave. Whoever is reading this will feel and know that You are with them and You love them. You have never left us hanging, so Jesus, please help us see this for ourselves. You are a good God, and You know us deeper than just our first names. 
I pray for freedom. Maybe we don't exactly know what we need freed from, but Jesus, free us. Take our shackles and our bounds. Make us free for Your Love. Thank You for never leaving us in the fire alone. You are here with us now. Thank You for loving me.
I plead the blood of JESUS over everyone who sees this. They will encounter You like never before in Jesus name. You call us by our name.
In Jesus name, AMEN.

Steps



Trust in Him at all times; you people, pour out your heart before him: God is a refuge for us. Selah. Psalm 62:8

Lately, I have been scared. I don't know which step to take next. It seems as if every time I try to make sense of things for the future, my brain jumbles up into a big ball of what the heck. 
This life seems confusing sometimes, but in the midst of the fog I still see Jesus.

Who knows where I will be in a year. 
Eric and I came to this college separately. We both felt Jesus tugging at our hearts to come to YAC before either of us knew the other was going. It was a confirmation, though, to hear that he was coming, too.
At this point, I know I have grown in ways I never knew I could. I'm sure I can't fully see how much I've been stretched, but I know that it was Jesus' will for me to come here.

Who knows what the next step is.

Jesus tells us to do things that don't always make sense logically. When He tells you to do it, listen. I promise you that if He tells you to do something, it is the best thing. He knows all the ins and outs. He knows our frame and knows where we belong.

You will be our guide to the end.

Jesus, thank You for bringing Eric and I together to this place. The circumstances may have been odd... and difficult for sure. I definitely haven't been perfect in my transition, but in this... I see You. I truly do. I'm not just saying that to keep positive. I see You in it all.
I love You Jesus. 
I pray that You would take Eric and I to where we belong. Keep us in the Light of Your truth. Help us to continually walk in the fullness of who You are. Help us to spread the full truth of who You are to the whole world.
Things will happen that this world has never seen before, but through us You will bring clarity. I feel that so deeply in Jesus name.
Thank You for all the people we have met along the way. Bless these people. Help them to encounter You more and more in Jesus name.
Purify our hearts, Jesus.
Make us whole.
I know You provide. We have nothing to fear.
I pray that whoever is reading this right now would feel Your presence overtake them in Jesus name. I rebuke the spirit of fear, depression, anxiety, and poverty in Jesus name. We are not orphans anymore. We belong to You. Show us again who we are in You. You make us who we are. Thank You for Your understanding, wisdom, grace, clarity, love, and peace. You are our everything. I love You Jesus. Take us. We give ourselves fully to You. You are our victory, our King.
In Jesus name, AMEN.

Be still and know that I Am God. I will be exalted among the nations. I will be exalted in the earth. 
The Lord of hosts is with us; the God of Jacob is our refuge. Selah. Psalm 46:10-11

Monday, April 11, 2016

Human





This is one of those days that is harder to be okay. 

Maybe it's alright to not be okay.
It seems like we are always just trying to be okay. Or maybe it's just me. 

I don't want to be fake. I'm not always happy. No one is always happy, and if you think you are... You're fooling yourself. 

Numbness. 
It happens to me for no reason. 
And there is something about this that takes you deeper than "I am not okay." 
There aren't really any words that I can form to explain to you what numbness is like to me. It's like all black. No color. No motion or movement. No sound. Nothing. It's empty and full at the same time. Everything's there but everything's not. It's everything and nothing. It's black. 

I promise you, this isn't the end. 

I'm a human and my brain gets all tied up. 
Did you hear me? I'm a human. 

Things are not perfect. People are not perfect.

In the middle of this broken mess, I have found my safe place. It's not a fake place. This place is real. His name is Jesus. I don't have to be fake to hear Him, see Him, feel Him, know Him. He is as raw as it gets. It's so easy to forget this and try to modify my behavior in order to "be the good kid." 
What a lot of people don't understand is that Jesus isn't so worried about our actions. He wants us to keep ourselves from getting entangled in sin because it hurts us and keeps us from knowing Him more, not because He wants us to be the perfect well-behaved child. 

We don't have to be perfect for Jesus to be proud of us. 

"Like as a father who pities his children, so the Lord pities them that fear Him.
For He knows our frame; He remembers that we are dust." Psalm 103:13-14

He knows that He formed us beautiful works of art from the dirt that we walk on. He does not expect perfection from us. He just wants our love. 

On that note, since we don't have to be perfect... Why should we have to be happy or act happy all the time? The truth is, we don't. Jesus, God in the flesh, came to earth and they call Him the man of many sorrows. He beheld every weight of every sin and curse and pain that He literally became it. That's sorrow if anyone has ever known it. He doesn't expect me to be okay all the time, He just wants me to let Him in. 

Going to this ministry school has been aggravating, I'm not gonna lie. I've caught myself many times trying to look and act good. That's not the point, though. We need to be raw with each other and raw with Jesus. We aren't always okay, and that is okay. 

The Lord is merciful and gracious, slow to anger, and plenteous in mercy. 
Psalm 103:8

God is in the midst of her; she shall not be moved: God shall help her, and that right early. Psalm 46:5

For the Lord takes pleasure in His people: He will beautify the meek with salvation. Psalm 149:4

For there is not a just man upon the earth, that does good, and doesn't sin. 
Ecclesiastes 7:20

The fact of it is, humans will dissapoint you. You're a human, so you will dissapoint yourself. But please know this, Jesus is never disappointed in you. 

Thank You Jesus for Your unfailing love. 
Let no one think anyone to be perfect. Let them know that You are the only perfect One and that You remember we are made of dust. One day we will be perfect when we see Your face. We will be like You. But until then, let us not think anyone to be sinless besides You. 
I love you. 

Jeremiah 1:5
Lamentations 3:17-26


Saturday, April 9, 2016

Open Windows



There's something unexplanably wonderful about an open window on a breezy spring day. 

We don't have windows in the dorms, but I remember cool days in the house I grew up in. 
The house wasn't perfect. It was old and messy, but it was home. When the weather was nice outside, we would open the windows and sometimes the front door, letting nature breathe into our place. Even the thought of this memory brings me peace.

I thought about this. 
If we are in our house for many days and never step outside, the least we can do is open a window to remember what it feels like. If we don't step outside, or open the windows, we only notice what's inside the house we are in. 

I do this a lot, I've noticed; only focused on myself. The focus isn't good, though. 
You see, my focus is on how I look to other people, what I sound like, smell like, act like, feel like. It's all geared in towards myself. 
But today I did something. I focused on a brighter thing: Jesus. 
I remembered, today, to open the windows to my soul and let the light in. He breathed into me. 

As I sat in my bed with pen in hand and my journal and Bible in front of me, I heard Jesus say, "Lay back and listen to Me."
I layed down and found myself fidgety. I kept thinking of what I could be doing. He said, "Stop. Let Me in." 

I opened the window and rested. 

Thank You Jesus. 
Thank You for rest.
Thank You for breathing into me. 
I'm a vessel for your Love.
Remind me to always let you in; to open the window and be filled with Your peace. 
I let You in. 

Isaiah 43:1
Isaiah 42:6-7

Friday, April 8, 2016

Perception Shift



"It is both a blessing and a curse to feel everything so deeply."

I'm tired of the perception I have of myself. I didn't realize how bad it was until I came to YAC to a home away from home. It was when I began to do things on my own that I was forced to look within myself and see who I really am.
 
To be honest..
I'm constantly down on myself as I try to lift up others, but I can't do this any longer. It's began to catch up with me and I'm finally worn. 

But "Come to Me," He says, "all who are weary and heavy laden and I will give you rest. For My yoke is easy and my burden is light."

Seeing who I am has been hard for me. I always thought of myself this certain way, but I was molding myself to be something that wasn't me this whole time. Now, I'm learning to accept me for who I am. 

Lately, my brain is a jumbled mess regarding the thoughts I think towards myself; a roller coaster of feelings and words. 
I want to know who I really am, and I want to be happy about what I see in myself. 

The next 30 days I will be challenging myself on this blog publicly. I will not accept this faulted negative mindset of my reflection, both inner and outer. 

Thank You Jesus for Your constant love.
Thank You Jesus for my eyes, which see things most people do not see.
Thank You Jesus for this loving heart of mine, which was modeled after yours. 

Thank You for Your waterfall of Love.

“For I will satisfy the weary soul, and every languishing soul I will replenish.””
Jeremiah 31:25 ESV

“Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.””
Matthew 11:28-30 ESV

“There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.”
Romans 8:1 ESV

“For by grace you have been saved through faith, and that not of yourselves; it is the gift of God, not of works, lest anyone should boast. For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand that we should walk in them.”
Ephesians 2:8-10

Thank You Jesus for making me who I am.