Why am I so depressed?
I can't figure out what's causing it. I have the hope of the world living inside me. I know who my freedom is, but why is my soul still trapped in a prison? I know the door is wide open, but I find myself cowered in the corner of a dark cell. "WHY AM I TRAPPED?" I scream to the wall. "WHY IS NO ONE HERE TO SEE THAT I CAN'T GO ON?" But the door is open and I am free, yet still cowered in the dark because it's what I was convinced to believe is my home.
This prison is not my home.
Not a physical place. The place inside me I have chosen to stay in for way too long.
Church of the Harvest was having a Freedom Ministries meeting yesterday from 9:30am-12. It was free and right here in OKC so I decided to go.
Freedom ministries is unique but the basics of it is receiving deliverance and freedom from strongholds in our life. We ask Jesus to reveal to us the lie that we have been believing, what caused us to believe that lie, and then to give us a truth to replace the lie. It's what they call an exchange.
This particular day, they said to ask Jesus what we have been making our source. But before they even told us to do this, I heard Jesus say through visuals, words, and feelings that I have been making myself my own source.
I was not expecting that, but it made so much sense.
He said that I have myself as my source trying to fill everyones' cups.
No wonder I constantly feel empty.
He told me I needed to stop this, because in this I've come to blame others for "not caring enough" to empty themselves for me. This is evil, I know it.
When I realized this, I began to ball. What in me has caused me to believe that I don't need anyone? Even after all this time? You'd think I would have learned by now that I am not strong enough. I know Jesus, so why do I continue to run from His help and healing? How is it that i desire His freedom more than anything, yet run from his hand when He reaches out to me? All I truly need is Him. He is the only reliable source there is. He is the true source of it all.
I know now the lie I have been believing. "You are worthless, Kristin. You know nothing. All you are is just a step stool to lift others up." LIE.
The TRUTH says another thing, "What treasure you are. Yes, it's true, you cannot do this without me. I'm telling you, You're going to need me every step of the way... every breath you take will seem to be difficult... but I AM HERE. You are worth more than you know. I am still thinking thoughts toward you, more than every grain of sand on the sea shore. Your name means BELIEVER IN CHRIST, ANOINTED, VICTORY OF THE PEOPLE. Don't be mistaken, though. You are not their victory. You simply show them where the victory comes from through My anointing. Let me guide you. I won't misuse you. Let Me show you who I Am. I will carry you farther than you can walk, and I will give you more than you need. You are chosen by Me to do things that no one else can do. You're chosen. Show the sheep where the Shepard is, and they will know My voice. You are My Love."
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