Thoughts

"The unfed mind devours itself." -Gore Vidal

As I walk through my day, many thoughts come and go. The ones that stay are my choice.

It's always been a struggle of mine controlling my emotions. 

I used to get homesick. The kind of homesick where you can't stay at someone's house longer than about five hours until you started freaking out. I couldn't help it. My mind would start to shift into a dark place as soon as the sun would set. My anxiety would hit its peak and it seemed that all I was was fear itself.

Jewell and I went to a friend's house to spend the night when I was 15 years old. That friend told us that she had struggled with depression and suicide and had planned many times to kill herself. Little did she know that I had struggled with the same thing. That night, I found myself awake while everyone was already asleep. My brain was taunting me with visuals of her hung in the corner of her room. It was dark in there, but it looked so real to me. I couldn't shake this feeling that felt like nothing and everything at the same times. Anxiety and fear was starting to overtake me. After several hours of self talk and the attempt of prayer, I texted my mom and told her I was afraid. She encouraged me and reminded me that there was nothing to fear, that I should read my Bible. The fear seemed too strong, though, and eventually my dad said he would come get me. By the time my dad was there, the sun was up and it was 7:00 am. The fear was gone and I was okay. 

My dad then spent an hour in our driveway telling me that I needed to control my thoughts, that they were the source to my emotions and fears. He reminded me that I could feed my mind with whatever I wanted and I could feel however I wanted. It stuck with me ever since.

I still struggle with my emotions and thoughts. It's been more difficult at this school that Jesus called me to be at, but I know He is with me and teaching me as I go. I will not give up. I am more than a conqueror.

So, I need to feed myself with good thoughts. Literally, I have to force-feed myself positive thoughts and vibes. Scripture reading, good music, laughing, and intimacy with Jesus are my medicine.

Thank You Jesus for the ability to influence my surroundings with what I hold within me. 

My goal is to let the light within me shine, because I know that when I finally let it shine again... it will change the world.

Isaiah 60:1-5