Fix This

I finally figured it out.
For a very long time, I have done everything in my power to fix things. Fix bad situations. Fix myself.
It just hit me today.
I can't do it. I can't fix it. I can't "fix myself."

This could have stemmed from the OCD I suffered from as a kid that trailed off into my older years.
It could be from the physical, mental, emotional abuse I experienced from a friend in junior high.
The desire to fix things could have come from a series of things.. but maybe I just won't know why yet. I don't even know if I want to know why. Maybe I'm suppose to focus on the present moment for awhile and soak in what is here. I keep saying that I need to do this but I never actually do it. I keep trying to fix things and make things work.
I'm going to take a break from this, but this won't be easy. It's going to take work for me to stop worrying.

I know this, that if I stay present in this moment and deal with things as they come, it will take a huge load off of my shoulders. No one is hard on me.. it's myself. I want to stop this. I want to be free. I am free.

At the beginning of my experience at Youth America College last year, I was assigned to the Edmond campus of Church of the Harvest. The stream I was in was the adult stream, so I spent my practicum time shadowing Pastor Chris and learning from him. One Sunday, he had me help with the baptisms. I was waiting in the offices during service with three people who were going to get baptized, a spunky woman named Ruth, another woman in her 30's, and a 17 year old named Nick. (I had heard Eric talk about Nick since he was in the youth stream and had the chance to connect with him.) Everyone else was talking except for Nick and I, so I asked him what his story was. A friendship developed from here.
About a week later, I was at the OKC campus in the lobby greeting people for night service when he came up to me. He said that Jesus told him to tell me something and that I needed to tell Eric. "You cannot keep trying to love yourself. The only way that you can love yourself is if you let Jesus love you. His love will shine out of you and you will see what is so great about you." I didn't know how, but what he said stuck with me.
A few weeks later, Eric and I were sitting in his car using the church's wifi to watch movies when Jerome came up to us panicked. "You guys! Did you hear?" "Hear what?" Eric asked. "Nick killed himself."
I did not handle this good at all. No one did. But the words he said to me echoed in my head and still do today. I'm not even sure how I remember it all, but I do.

The point of me telling you this story isn't to make you sad, but yet again the puzzle pieces from events in my life are coming together.

If I simply seek Jesus, I will be blessed. He absolutely does not expect me to fix anything. He is my source.

"[33] But seek first the kingdom of God, and His righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you. [34] Take therefore no thought for tomorrow: for tomorrow shall take thought for the things of itself. Sufficient to the day is the evil thereof." Matthew 6:33-34

song I'm listening to